Sunday, December 26, 2010

Apocalypse Came Over Early This Year

So there goes nothing... 6 months out of yet another year gone by and I've literally done it all.
Wrote my paper, wore my graduation cap, wasted away at every single terrace. I was walking on freaking sunshine, beautiful and amazing and long hair flowing in curls and most of all I was Oh-So-Loved by everyone and sparkling... Nothing gold can stay.
The summer was hot and sweaty and it was filled with butterflies, and music, and roses, and dancing, and the oh-so-many cigarettes that matched the color of my finger nails. I brought myself time and stretched it as long as I possibly could... I extended my arms and pulled on my wrists and my mouth would not stay closed because of the silly, bright smile spread all over my face.
The autumn start was perfect as ever, sweet, and orange, and warm and the pulling started to take a toll... roots started to come out of the ground and I needed to pick myself up and move along. Give it all up, and give in.
I went away, I went away from comfort and happiness. I lived off specks, I've lived off visits and outside input... I've lived off anything else but myself and it has taken it's toll. Gave in, gave it all up.
The winter months came up quickly and all is barren, and dry. The weather is bone cold and the wind is tearing us apart... cloudy with a high chance of doom. I cried to everyone I saw, I asked for all the help I have never, ever needed or wanted before.

So there goes everything... I scared the people that care most about me, I've been selfish, spoiled, sad and so, soooo very frightened! Some people rose to the occasion some sunk deeper than I could've imagined.
Yet this year will soon be over and yet another one will take it's place and if ever there will be a book based on my messed-ul life 2010 will be a cliff-hanger chapter. Shine on you crazy diamond.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Ce faci Voica mea?

Prin ce lumi te invarti si unde ti-ai gasit locul? E locul tau sau te prefaci, ca un cameleon si nu faci nota discordanta? De ce te-ai aruncat (la gunoi) si oare chiar te-ai inlocuit cu o versiune mai buna?! Si daca da, atunci de ce plangi? Ce faci cand au fost baute toate sampaniile, cand au fost inchise toate cercurile si cand licentele inca nu au scrise nici o litera? Ce faci cand se verniseaza toate expozitiile? Cand nu mai suna nici un telefon? Ce faci cand nu poti dezlipi post-it-ul de pe usa? Si de ce naiba mai ploua atata?
Cum iesi din asta Voica mea?
I'm asking because I ate all the lunches, and drank all the bottles (but stopped smoking all the cigarettes) and I went to all the funerals and I checked out all the books and I held all the hands that needed holding (except for one) and I danced to all the songs and I laughed at all the jokes and I let in all the wet cats standing on the corner in the pouring rain, and I remembered all that was bad and I know all the reasons and I watched all the movies and I stopped listening to all the songs and I wore all the right shoes but I still miss the lovemaking and my stomach is still cold at night and I still have not cooked a single meal.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010


It's March and it's snowing, spring should be here by now, the sun should be shining shyly... but it's not, instead it's snowing like in a fairytale... (You know the one when Hell freezes over?!)
Even though insects are still frozen in they long and comfortable sleep I'm working overtime like a busy, busy bee. I'm running around in odd circles, dreams coming true in the weirdest circumstances... (You know the one when you have to be careful what you wish for, 'cause it might just come true?!)
Somehow I'm proud, it's such a strange comfort to know that in some circumstances this is as low as I'll ever get. Somehow I'm happy, somehow I'm worried, there is still so much to do, so much of me to show, still so much to prove, and I have always been the Dare type of person. I was convinced that it was because I have courage, but now that I think about it maybe it's because I'm more scared of telling the truth out loud than of making a fool of myself... (You know the one when you win some and lose some?!)
Where to now? One never ever knows, and I enjoy the plot twists, I cherish having the power to choose. And what I love most and I hope I never lose... the capacity to be surprised! To be swept completely off my feet by some mind blowing sight, sound or random fact. I love how the world is so incredibly small and interconnected and nobody can fake the honesty of that smile when you just linked too parts together just to see the bigger picture.
Do you think the world is your stage? Do you think the play was written with you as the lead, (or just an extra)? Do you wonder who is the playwright? Would you like Chekhov, Caragiale or Camus better? Or perhaps Ionesco it the one you relate in your absurdity? Do you wish you could skip to the end? (Do you know the one when curiosity killed the cat?!)

There's a bottle on the table with a label saying "drink me"
Will you cross the line?

And you know you've been here a thousand times before intoxicated on the floor
Will you reach back for more?

Wednesday, February 17, 2010


My hair smells of smoke and shampoo and left-over traces of perfume it picked up from my neck. The curls are bored and bland, my ends are split and the tips that were once a radiant red are just stained now... washed out and tired...
I stopped doing so many of the things I love. I stopped talking to Tamas and I stopped answering my mom's phone calls. I stopped cooking (heck, I barely eat anything anymore) my lovely meals. I stopped reading and it's killing me, because no matter what, I always had this! I cannot keep a book in my hands (this coming from a child who lied about being scared of the dark so I could read at the light in the hallway) just as I cannot keep a conversation flowing (this coming from a teenager who would have endless hours of phone conversation with her lover) and this is just sad. Sad that I am so empty and dry and just sooo very tired! I am so tired I can't even sleep anymore, I am anxious and bored at the same time and these are not even the weirdest things that have happened lately!
Now I'll try to fall asleep, I'll try not to think about what I have to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next... I'll try to remember how it feels to lose faith in all humanity at Gatsby's funeral, and how I rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, how magical a parrot umbrella can be and how to tame a fox. I'll try to imagine how three man taking a vacation together must be like and how important it is to be Frank. I'll recollect the last books I read, a soma holiday in mom's house, a wicked slaughterhouse on a long airplane ride and a young artist's portrait in a comfortable armchair.
But today is just another Monday after all, so sleep will come, like it always does.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Is Gonna Fight For Her Right (To Party!)

Ok, so let's set aside the cheesy songs as titles an in all seriousness I'll write this entire post on a positive and happy note, because why the fuck not?! So what if the universe decided to screw me over, I can obviously handle it, otherwise, I would not be here, now would I?
So I'll just let the path in front of me get covered with fresh snow, like a new beginning because nothing can compare to the feeling of walking on pristine snow, leaving your tracks and hearing it crunch beneath your feet. It makes me smile just thinking about it. Oh, and something else that makes me smile, (because I'm such a terrible girly girl) are my new very (very!!!) red shoes. Yes, I seem to have found the key to depression - buy some obscenely expensive shoes ans if your depression is tragic - make them red ones! Sex and the City anyone?!

So in order to get back on my feet, high heels and all, I declared war to the system and called my parents to let them know if they ever hear of a bomb going off in my university it's a pretty high chance that was me, because damn it I can't party when I'm worried and upset!
Also I made a strict resolution: I will stop asking myself "Why?" it is a stupid question and the answer is simple - Because I made it so. Because my choices (and not anyone else's) have brought me here, because I always chose the more interesting solution to a problem, the twisted road, the curious answer. So no more whys for me. Everything I am and do is but a consequence of my own free will and choice, and that helps me sleep at night.
Like Gatsby I believe in the green light and so I beat on... and I always do this with my feet when there's nothing more to say or do.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Are We Having Fun Yet?

How far can you run and for what?! How much can you twist and shout and fight and stamp your foot on the ground?! How many years of wars against the wind before you just let go?
I am that kind of person that can always find more and more and MORE resources and solutions and I pride myself for solving any given problem. It's how I became, it's what "they" made me! But how many times do you need to hear "YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!!!" before you finally turn around and accept defeat?
And truthfully it's not even defeat! It's just you moving on! It's just you flying in the wind like a dandelion seed! I cannot fight anymore, or I just don't want to. I'm not failing myself, I'm just accepting new options. Life does not have to be one fruitless struggle after the other, or so I believe at this moment, with buckets of tears pouring out of my eyes again.
There are so many things out there, why do we hang on so desperately to one passion, to one dream? Does it really make us happier people or better persons in any way or is it just the feeling of doing the right thing (what sort of notion is that anyway?) is it just the victory of defeating the odds once more? Well what if the odds are not there to beat?! What if Orwell's character got it right, just before the end and the Big Brother's eyes really do show love? Don't you pity him for not seeing it before, for giving up what could have been a quiet life, and for what? For stress and torture? Just to be clear I'm not talking here about the idea of the individual and 1984's society and all that, I'm simply talking about a man fighting the rotation of the world and not getting anywhere with it.
Me and my puffy eyes are going to sleep now. I don't know yet what I will do afterwards. Will I live and let die, will I sign a Do Not Resuscitate order in my sleep, or will I regenerate yet again and rise like some sort of perverted phoenix, not from burning ashes but from salty water and fight another battle. I don't know, and I despise not knowing...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Freaky February

Breathe, and try not to laugh! There are no words to describe how ironic this is, but then again what isn't when I'm concerned?! I'm not a big believer in destiny, so I'll just pass it off as coincidence and have a blast with it. Otherwise who knows in what soft-wall cell I'd find myself in soon.
So, shortest month of the year, you really like to make and impression (I understand your need to compensate!). The real adventure of this blog started in February 2008 - when I lost myself, but at the end I got so, so much more back.
February 2009 found me in breezy Rome, with high hopes and walking on air. I went to Italy and back. I so many people and my heart grew bigger just to keep them all in and my mind grew bigger just to understand them all and I'm a better person for it all. I didn't lose myself this time, nor my heart, nor my head, (and before you think of asking - all the alcohol DOES NOT COUNT!), it must have been the air... This also meant no more writing, seems to me, I only turn to the keyboard when my mind needs help to cope, when everything get so twisting and turning inside there, that you just need to unwind and spit it all out. I didn't stop writing altogether, but I wrote, by hand with my blue pen in my owl notebook. It made me a prisoner of it's wooden covers and it was unfair in so many ways, just another wrong turn on my way that I am now trying to fix.
And this brings us to February 2010, because all things have to come full circle. Winter in Cluj seem so have a ridiculous influence on me, this city that is only beautiful when it snows has a way of dragging me all over it's white streets and make me think thoughts that I don't know how to deal with, and do things that I don't want to deal with!
It's the last year of college... Everybody's nerves are stretched out like chords and we all hum like an out-of-tune string orchestra. Some chords snap - I heard the cold does that sometimes - accidents happen, so it is. We play each other, some are better than others, gentler fingers some make the string snap on purpose. (How much can you really take?!). So we are...
And even though it seems the world turned itself inside out yet again, now I am determined not to lose myself. And hopefully I won't lose the people that really matter on the way either.
"On the way to what?" - Well that is a very good question... let me get back at you with the answer. There are words to be said out loud and words to be written, there are decisions to take and there is work to be done, but meanwhile:

Let's have another cup of coffee, and let's have another sip of wine

P.S. In case you somehow have not figured this out yet - I cannot work on something that actually has an importance to save my life. So excuse me while I go drench my responsibilities in alcohol.