Wednesday, February 17, 2010


My hair smells of smoke and shampoo and left-over traces of perfume it picked up from my neck. The curls are bored and bland, my ends are split and the tips that were once a radiant red are just stained now... washed out and tired...
I stopped doing so many of the things I love. I stopped talking to Tamas and I stopped answering my mom's phone calls. I stopped cooking (heck, I barely eat anything anymore) my lovely meals. I stopped reading and it's killing me, because no matter what, I always had this! I cannot keep a book in my hands (this coming from a child who lied about being scared of the dark so I could read at the light in the hallway) just as I cannot keep a conversation flowing (this coming from a teenager who would have endless hours of phone conversation with her lover) and this is just sad. Sad that I am so empty and dry and just sooo very tired! I am so tired I can't even sleep anymore, I am anxious and bored at the same time and these are not even the weirdest things that have happened lately!
Now I'll try to fall asleep, I'll try not to think about what I have to do tomorrow, or the next day, or the next... I'll try to remember how it feels to lose faith in all humanity at Gatsby's funeral, and how I rode a sad train with Anna Karenina, how magical a parrot umbrella can be and how to tame a fox. I'll try to imagine how three man taking a vacation together must be like and how important it is to be Frank. I'll recollect the last books I read, a soma holiday in mom's house, a wicked slaughterhouse on a long airplane ride and a young artist's portrait in a comfortable armchair.
But today is just another Monday after all, so sleep will come, like it always does.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Is Gonna Fight For Her Right (To Party!)

Ok, so let's set aside the cheesy songs as titles an in all seriousness I'll write this entire post on a positive and happy note, because why the fuck not?! So what if the universe decided to screw me over, I can obviously handle it, otherwise, I would not be here, now would I?
So I'll just let the path in front of me get covered with fresh snow, like a new beginning because nothing can compare to the feeling of walking on pristine snow, leaving your tracks and hearing it crunch beneath your feet. It makes me smile just thinking about it. Oh, and something else that makes me smile, (because I'm such a terrible girly girl) are my new very (very!!!) red shoes. Yes, I seem to have found the key to depression - buy some obscenely expensive shoes ans if your depression is tragic - make them red ones! Sex and the City anyone?!

So in order to get back on my feet, high heels and all, I declared war to the system and called my parents to let them know if they ever hear of a bomb going off in my university it's a pretty high chance that was me, because damn it I can't party when I'm worried and upset!
Also I made a strict resolution: I will stop asking myself "Why?" it is a stupid question and the answer is simple - Because I made it so. Because my choices (and not anyone else's) have brought me here, because I always chose the more interesting solution to a problem, the twisted road, the curious answer. So no more whys for me. Everything I am and do is but a consequence of my own free will and choice, and that helps me sleep at night.
Like Gatsby I believe in the green light and so I beat on... and I always do this with my feet when there's nothing more to say or do.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Are We Having Fun Yet?

How far can you run and for what?! How much can you twist and shout and fight and stamp your foot on the ground?! How many years of wars against the wind before you just let go?
I am that kind of person that can always find more and more and MORE resources and solutions and I pride myself for solving any given problem. It's how I became, it's what "they" made me! But how many times do you need to hear "YOU DON'T BELONG HERE!!!" before you finally turn around and accept defeat?
And truthfully it's not even defeat! It's just you moving on! It's just you flying in the wind like a dandelion seed! I cannot fight anymore, or I just don't want to. I'm not failing myself, I'm just accepting new options. Life does not have to be one fruitless struggle after the other, or so I believe at this moment, with buckets of tears pouring out of my eyes again.
There are so many things out there, why do we hang on so desperately to one passion, to one dream? Does it really make us happier people or better persons in any way or is it just the feeling of doing the right thing (what sort of notion is that anyway?) is it just the victory of defeating the odds once more? Well what if the odds are not there to beat?! What if Orwell's character got it right, just before the end and the Big Brother's eyes really do show love? Don't you pity him for not seeing it before, for giving up what could have been a quiet life, and for what? For stress and torture? Just to be clear I'm not talking here about the idea of the individual and 1984's society and all that, I'm simply talking about a man fighting the rotation of the world and not getting anywhere with it.
Me and my puffy eyes are going to sleep now. I don't know yet what I will do afterwards. Will I live and let die, will I sign a Do Not Resuscitate order in my sleep, or will I regenerate yet again and rise like some sort of perverted phoenix, not from burning ashes but from salty water and fight another battle. I don't know, and I despise not knowing...

Monday, February 1, 2010

Freaky February

Breathe, and try not to laugh! There are no words to describe how ironic this is, but then again what isn't when I'm concerned?! I'm not a big believer in destiny, so I'll just pass it off as coincidence and have a blast with it. Otherwise who knows in what soft-wall cell I'd find myself in soon.
So, shortest month of the year, you really like to make and impression (I understand your need to compensate!). The real adventure of this blog started in February 2008 - when I lost myself, but at the end I got so, so much more back.
February 2009 found me in breezy Rome, with high hopes and walking on air. I went to Italy and back. I so many people and my heart grew bigger just to keep them all in and my mind grew bigger just to understand them all and I'm a better person for it all. I didn't lose myself this time, nor my heart, nor my head, (and before you think of asking - all the alcohol DOES NOT COUNT!), it must have been the air... This also meant no more writing, seems to me, I only turn to the keyboard when my mind needs help to cope, when everything get so twisting and turning inside there, that you just need to unwind and spit it all out. I didn't stop writing altogether, but I wrote, by hand with my blue pen in my owl notebook. It made me a prisoner of it's wooden covers and it was unfair in so many ways, just another wrong turn on my way that I am now trying to fix.
And this brings us to February 2010, because all things have to come full circle. Winter in Cluj seem so have a ridiculous influence on me, this city that is only beautiful when it snows has a way of dragging me all over it's white streets and make me think thoughts that I don't know how to deal with, and do things that I don't want to deal with!
It's the last year of college... Everybody's nerves are stretched out like chords and we all hum like an out-of-tune string orchestra. Some chords snap - I heard the cold does that sometimes - accidents happen, so it is. We play each other, some are better than others, gentler fingers some make the string snap on purpose. (How much can you really take?!). So we are...
And even though it seems the world turned itself inside out yet again, now I am determined not to lose myself. And hopefully I won't lose the people that really matter on the way either.
"On the way to what?" - Well that is a very good question... let me get back at you with the answer. There are words to be said out loud and words to be written, there are decisions to take and there is work to be done, but meanwhile:

Let's have another cup of coffee, and let's have another sip of wine

P.S. In case you somehow have not figured this out yet - I cannot work on something that actually has an importance to save my life. So excuse me while I go drench my responsibilities in alcohol.